Best Laid Plans

By Vincent Cuddihy

While browsing my bookshelves, I came across What’s So Funny? A Dortmunder Novel (2007) by Donald E. Westlake. It turns out that a Dortmunder is neither a somewhere nor a something, but a someone: John Dortmunder, a denizen of mid-town Manhattan and an expert thief. This is the last of thirteen Dortmunder novels. Westlake died on New Year’s Eve in 2008.

Westlake was a prolific writer, with over 50 novels to his credit, most of which were caper stories. He also wrote detective fiction and short stories, some under the name of Richard Stark. Some of his books were turned into films. He wrote film scripts, and was nominated for an Oscar for his 1990 screenplay of The Grifters. He won three Edgar awards and The Eye, the Private Eye Writers Lifetime Achievement Award.

Dortmund’s adventure begins in his local bar, where he and his team plan to meet to discuss a future project. But he is intercepted by Johnny Eppick, a recently retired cop turned private detective, who already has a project for Dortmund and his crew in mind. He shows Dortmund a photo from a security camera that features Dortmund absconding down an alley with a load of computer equipment that does not belong to him. Eppick invites John to visit his office the following morning as a preferred alternative to having the photo shown to his old buddies in the police department.

It turns out that Eppick is very picky about his choice of clients. Mr. Hemlow is a prosperous gentleman who is confined to a wheelchair. His father had been in a US army group that had fought in the Russian civil war that followed the Revolution in 1917. They had discovered a solid gold chess set with jewels in the crowns of the kings and queens in a warehouse in Murmansk, a gift intended for the late tsar which had arrived too late for him to receive it. The soldiers brought it back to Chicago, where they each turned over the pieces they had carried to their commander, Sgt. Northwood,  who was to convert the chess set into cash for them to finance their dream project. They never saw him again.

Hemlow knows where the chess set is. Northwood’s grandchildren are squabbling over his estate. They are suing and countersuing each other, with no less than seventeen lawsuits having been filed in New York courts. Several of the law firms who are handling these cases are tenants in the C&I International Bank Building. So they have agreed to keep the chess set in the C&I Bank’s vault in the sub-basement of the building. Hemlow would like Dortmunder and his crew to steal it for him.

Dortmunder quickly realizes that the task is impossible. It would be hard enough just to gain access to the vault with the guards and alarms that surround it, never mind to get back out carrying a package that weighs over 600 pounds. But Eppick keeps showing him the photo, which keeps John focussed on the task at hand. In the meantime we are introduced to Dortmund’s partner May.  We also meet the other four members of his team, each with his own special skills.

We also meet Hemlow’s niece Fiona, who is a lawyer with one of the firms in the C&I building, and her boyfriend Brian Clanson, a graphic artist with a children’s TV station. We meet her boss, senior partner Jay Tumbril, his client Livia Northwood Wheeler, daughter of Sgt. Northwood, and Jacques Perly, Tumbril’s private detective.

But through all this, the reader notices that one has arrived at page 240 of a 355 page book and nothing has happened. Five months have passed and Mr. Hemlow is no closer to getting his hands on what he regards as his chess set. All the action occurs in a 60 hour period over the last ten chapters. Dortmunder has demonstrated his true criminal genius: if you can’t bring the thieves to the object, then you have to bring the object to the thieves.

Westlake’s reputation is as a comic writer, as well as a crime writer. He creates some lovely figures of speech, most of which are similes such as, “Brian was viewing himself in the closet mirror, leering so hard he looked like a Cadillac grille.” But my favourite piece is his description of the guests at a costume party.

Westlake also has elements of Greek tragedy woven into the story: things that happen off stage that we learn from the chorus in the form of Mrs. Wheeler’s secretary; and nemesis, in the form of a pair of teenage runaways from Nukumbuts, Nebraska. However, it is the O. Henryish ending that is the most amusing feature of this tale. A patient reader will get a real kick out of it.

There is an audio book and a DVD of Westlake’s work available at the Lennoxville Library. There are also four books in English available for interlibrary loan. Oddly enough, there are a couple of dozen of his books available in French via ILL.

NEWS FROM THE LENNOXVILLE LIBRARY

Canada Reads, and so does Lennoxville! 

The library will hold its beloved annual Canada Reads “foreshadow” event on March 23rd at 7pm at Hope Community Church. Those wishing to participate via Zoom may do so as well. Details on the Library website: bibliolennoxvillelibrary.ca